Welcome to the Burrminator

I’m not at all familiar with the author of that quote, but the meaning of it resonates perfectly with the point that I wish to express. There are many things that I am very knowledgeable about. Ask me something about the game Guild Wars, I’ll give you the answer. But on the opposite side, there are many more topics that I have absolutely no clue about (Mr. Arliss to name one). Among the most valuable things that I have learned from my college experience is respect for the value of humility. It’s not quite as simple as that, however, since humility without confidence is simply detrimental to yourself. A healthy mixture of humility and confidence is the attribute that I have seen in the people whom I respected the most. The ability to admit that you don’t know something, but also carry a confidence in your areas of expertise in a way that does not brag.

When it comes to coffee, my level of knowledge is severely lacking. I could point out a handful of people I know that could take my ass to school in the realm of coffee tasting, the inner workings and concepts of an espresso machine, or any other detail of the coffee world. I’m sure with about 2.9 seconds you could also find millions that fit this bill with a simple Google search! I’ve only really focused on coffee at the artisan level for about a year, so in the coffee world you could easily call me a noob and I wouldn’t have any sort of counter-argument for you. Perhaps this knowledge will eventually saturate my mind over time, but for the time being, if you’re looking for a resource to review specific coffee roasts or reviews of various coffee/espresso machines, I highly recommend you keep looking for a much better source!

This blog has a very specific focus, and thus, a very specific audience: Reviews of coffee shops in the Portland-metro area. I’ve been a consumer for as long as I can form cognitive and rational thoughts in my mind, so I can say that I am well-versed in the realm of being a consumer. Because of this amazing experience I have, I feel that I am more than qualified to express my opinion on the coffee shops that I visit. After all, the internet is there for people to feel more important about themselves by rambling on and on about their opinion to no on in particular. Thusly, I have carved out my space in the world wide web to do just that. Welcome to the world of my alter-ego JAM NA$TY. Yes, the name is always in all caps, and yes the ’s’ is always replaced with a dollar sign.Before you read my reviews, it might help if I laid out what I believe to be the main attributes of a good coffee shop experience. That way, if we do not share the same view of what a good coffee shop is, you will know that you can safely disregard anything I say about a shop without having to expend any effort reading my review. I believe a coffee shop visit is defined by 4 major attributes:

1. Coffee. This is pretty much a given. If your coffee shop serves Billy Bob’s Bathtub Roasted Dirt Clots coffee, guess what, your coffee shop sucks and there’s nothing you can do to make it good aside from change what coffee you use. I have a predisposition against Sumatran coffees based entirely on the fact that I don’t like a lot of the earthy flavors, but I’m also aware of that disposition so I don’t let it cloud my judgment!

2. Staff. While this may not be as important as the first attribute, it comes in at a very close second. A poorly-trained barista will mess up your drink very often, which is no good for anyone. It’s also important to note that I categorize the shop’s equipment in with the staff. The machine, the tamper, the portafilter, the grinder, and anything else I’m missing are all tools that the barista must master and use properly to craft an excellent drink. A friendly and well-trained barista can make the entire experience go from a good time to a super fantastic time, assuming the coffee is halfway decent. I love it when the staff has a friendly conversation with me while I ask horribly stupid questions that expose my severe lack of coffee smarts!

3. Ambiance. This is entirely cosmetic for me, since the atmosphere of a coffee shop really has no bearing on how your drink tastes (Aside from the shop being located right next to a giant pile of rotten eggs, I guess) but it completely effects your experience at the shop. If I go into a shop that makes me feel warm and cozy, I’m going to feel much better about the shop. That’s pretty obvious. If I go into a shop that has baristas that treat me like I’m inferior, or try to stab me, my experience there is ruined.

4. Accessibility. This one of sort of a given that I find many people overlook. I don’t want to have to park 10 blocks away from your shop and get nearly ran over 4 times before I actually make it inside. Portland has a bunch of weird driving areas, sometimes you get these one-way street mazes that you have to solve like some sort of game just to get to the left side of the street you were on. I also hate driving in Portland, which is why this becomes a large factor in deciding if I want to go to a specific coffee shop on any given day.

So now that you know my thoughts on what makes a good coffee shop, if you’re still reading this I suppose I need to sell you on sticking around. There are way too many blogs out there, and having another one in your feed reader is a big cost that I’m asking of you. I will give you a concise list of reasons why you should follow this blog. People love lists, right?!1. I’m hilarious.
2. I keep it real.
3. I do the dirty work so you don’t have to!

That was a pretty wimpy list, but it was really good. Sometimes less is more. Point #1 is pretty relative, but I always laugh at my jokes so that means I’m pretty funny. When I say that I “keep it real” I mean that I’m not some anonymous reviewer on Yelp that types in ALL CAPS (only my name is like that!) that’s just some angry squid flailing their arms, or the others on there that are just shills for the coffee shop. This is all 100% me. I do not accept bribes or sponsors or any of that crap. Real Talk, nothing else. That means that you can trust what I say to not be influenced by anything except for my own opinions! The last item on that list was more for enlarging the size of my list, but I suppose it’s partially true. If I go somewhere and it’s absolute crap, you will get to know ahead of time and not have to waste your time going there and wasting your money and potentially burning your taste buds!

If you’re still reading even now, then I’m pretty sure that I’ve got you in the bag. Now that I have your complete dedication of following my blog, I would like to thank you for your support and let you know what you can expect from this amazing and incredible source of entertainment and knowledge that you now have at your disposal. Firstly, I’ve already created a spreadsheet of ratings on a bunch of the more popular Portland coffee shops. This list will only be used for historical data on when I visit the coffee shop again and give a review. If a shop got a poor rating previously, but got a much better rating this time, I will point that out and try to conclude if it was improvement in the management of the shop or if it’s just an inconsistent coffee shop. I don’t plan on having a schedule set in stone, but I do have a 9 to 5 throughout the work week, so reviews will likely be posted once a week at the most (Sunday or Monday) unless I hit up multiple shops in the same visit, in which case multiple reviews will be posted (duh).

FOLLOW MY BLOG. REAL TALK SON. IMMA TELL YOU IF COFFEE SHOPS SUCK OR ARE BALLIN